by Rabbi Bajzheet and The Jumping Mollusc of The Burning Giraffe
Date: Sort of late December 1991
DISCLAIMER: These are our views. These are not the views of our
government,
parents, bank managers, giraffe, probation officers or university and we
have no employers. We don't care. Okay, here it is - the highly unofficial
scnz faq file. Comments are most welcome, mail us at rabbi@kiwi.gen.nz and
include lots of yummy food parcels.
Geography
New Zealand is situated the same distace eastwards from Australia
as London
is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell
them to piss off.
It is bigger than Conneticut, but smaller than Canada.
There are two main islands - The North Island and The South
Island. There is
also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which
need concern you.
The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island, but South
Islanders that refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are wankers.
The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of
approximately 900,000 people, many of whom own Holdens (qv).
The capital is Wellington;, which is really boring and windy and don't go
there.
The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of
Sydney. It
has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton (qv).
Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but
smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.
Why fucking bulls is better than fucking Bulls
The worst place in New Zealand goes by the tantalising and evocative name of Bulls, population two men and a dog. It has achieved it's dubious distinction by having the bones of stranded hitch hikers scattered along all points of egress. It is a shithole; if you manage to escape it within five hours of having entered it, you can count yourself very lucky indeed.
All you need know when travelling in New Zealand is: * * * * *North Island: beaches * * * * *South Island: mountains...and don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.
History
Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his
brothers, using his
grandmother's jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his
grandmother's jaw fell
off through overuse, an object lesson in verbosity). He caught a big fish
and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish (man). Like, really really
big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it
*was* the North Island. But that's okay, because Maui's canoe was pretty
large as well, as big as The South Island (get the picture?)
Maui's brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into
it with their meres and axes and shit, thus conveniently terraforming it
into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists
prefer to call it).
A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki (probably no
relation),
the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land
of The Long
White Cloud.
After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion
engine, nuclear weapons, those horrible guttering systems which
get clogged
up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be cleaned
out every
six months, or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans,
bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, syphilis, tuberculosis and
guttering systems.
The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European's staggering generosity,
occasionally went berko and killed some settlers, but to no
avail. By 1840,
the Treaty of Waitangi - popularly advertised as New Zealand's founding
document - was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen
Vicky of England) and various Maori cheifs, representing each tribe.
After another thirty years of bloodshed, things began to settle down a
little bit and the real business of farming sheep and building towns like
Bulls (qv) could begin in earnest.
Bulls was built. It still exists today. Aaaaaargh.
The capital was moved from Russell to Auckland to Wellington to London to
Washington. There was speculation during the 1940s that the new capital
might be Berlin or Tokyo, but such rumours were unfounded in the cold
impartial light of military sueriority and nuclear weapons.
World War One came, and with it came the battle of Gallipoli, in
which heaps
of Kiwis and Aussies got dropped on the wrong beach by a Pommie
Bastard who
was probably marinating his brain in gin at the time. A battle that should
have lasted about twelve hours lasted six months, and cost Gunner Spinley
(Mollusc's grandad) his face, which stopped a Turkish bullet.
World War Two rolled around, and thousands more Kiwis died displaying the
refreshing lack of self-preservation that Allied High Command was so
enarmoured with.
The score stands at New Zealand two, Germany nil.
Nuclear ships stopped coming in 1984 with the election of The First Labour
Government in a Very Long Time. America loves us slightly less than it did
before.
The French blew up a Greenpeace ship, The Rainbow Warrior, in Auckland in
1985. We like the French slightly less than we did before. However, due to
the fact that we export dairy products and beef and lamb to
France, we don't
dislike them enough to really do anything about it.
We won the Rugby World Cup in 1987 and nobody really gives a shit, except
Westies (qv) and their fathers.
We had a sesquicentenial in 1990 (150th anniversary - we note
with interest
that the word did not exist prior to 1990). It was crap and lost lots of
money.
Politics
There are three main political parties in New Zealand: National,
Labour and
McGillicuddy Serious.
National: Currently the government. A bunch of right wing
dickheads, intent
of reducing inflation to 0-2% per annum by taking away everybody's money
until nobody can afford anything, so prices don't go up. Simple?
Rumour has
it, so too is the Minister of Finance.
Labour: The Opposition. A bunch of right wing dickheads, who used to be a
bunch of left wing dickheads until 1984 when, rumour has it, their souls
were all sold to the Business Round Table (Mafia). We don't
believe this, no
no no, not at all. But it's worth repeating.
McGilicuddy Serious: Scottish Monarchist Regressionists, intent in
re-establishing the Jacobite line to supreme executive office, then
disassembling all the trappings of modern technology (internal combustion
engines, guttering systems, Unix, etc) and living a life of pastoral,
clan-oriented bliss. Due to growing popular disillusionment with both
National and Labour, an outside favourite to win the 1993 general
election.
It is interesting to note that New Zealand has no formal constitution and
only one house of Parliament. So, if The McGillicuddy Serious Party is
elected, it can do all this quite legally.
Culture
Buzzy Bees: A quintissential piece of Kiwiana. It is a small
wooden bee that
toddlers can drag around on a piece of string. It has wings that rotate
(backwards) and it makes a wierd clicking sound. They are no longer made,
much to the author's remorse.
The Edmond's Cook Book: More copies of this book have been sold in New
Zealand than any other book (ever). Produced by Edmonds, makers of fine
Baking Powder, Cake Mix and Bournville Cocoa. There are hundreds of
recipies, many incorporating Edmond's "Sure to Rise" Baking
Powder, Edmond's
Cake Mix, and Bournville Cocoa.
Holdens: Holden is an Australian car manufacturer, a subsidiary of General
Motors. Most Australiasians either don't know this, or don't care. The
classic New Zealand car is a very old grey Holden station wagon, with shot
suspension and dodgy brakes. It is driven by Westies (qv). They
are popular
because they are cheap (because they are crap) and have big engines, which
may or may not be V8s. We don't know, nor care. We are cyclists,
who dislike
most cars and hate Holdens.
Swannies: Woolen bush shirts and jackets made by Swanndri NZ Ltd. Very
waterproof, scratchy, rugged, warm and make you look like a mass murderer
when hitch hiking.
Pavlova: 3 egg whites 1 teaspoon vinegar 3 tablespoons cold water 1 teaspoon vanilla essence 1 cup castor sugar 3 teaspoons cornflour
Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add castor sugar gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add vinegar, vanilla and cornflour. Place of greased paper on greased tray and bake at 150 degrees C (300 F) for 45 minutes, then leave to cool in the oven.
(Courtesy of The Edmond's Cookbook (naturally)).
This recipie never works, nor does any other recipie for pav, except this one:
$15 Bicycle Carrier bag
Ride bicycle down to supermarket, purchase pavlova with $15, place in carrier bag. Ride home. Remove pavlova from carrier bag, place in cold oven. When guests arrive, remove from oven and say "Look at this pav I just made!"
Any Australians, South Africans, Yugoslavians or Tibetans who
tell you that
the pav was invented in their country are full of shit and are not to be
believed.
Pies: North Americans may be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. A pie is a
savoury hors d'oeuvres pastry thing, but three times the size, filled with
meat (from whence we can only guess) and with a lid on.
The worst pies in New Zealand can be had for NZ$1.60 a piece at a grimy,
smelly, cockroach-infested petrol staion by Lake Karapiro. Coming a close
second are the infamous Putrid Pies of Panmure (a suburb of
Auckland). They
seem to be available from all the bakeries - do not touch them,
they are the
source of all evil.
There are some quite nice pies in Queenstown, but we really hate
Queenstown,
and this ruins the whole pie eating experience for us. There are also some
quite nice pies in Onehunga (south Auckland). However, it should be noted
that pies can never be rated at anything above "good". Also, pie criticism
is one of the most subjective things imaginable.
Westies: Westies are youths who wear black jeans, basketball boots, black
jerseys and black tee shirts. They have long hair at the back,
short hair at
the front. They listen to far too much AC/DC, Midnight Oil and U2
for their
own good. They drive Holdens, and are typically called Wayne or Trev. They
can be distinguished from Goths in that they usually have axle grease all
over their hands, jerseys, etc and don't like The Sisters of Mercy and
haven't heard of Bauhaus. Also, they usually have suntans and have no
unwarranted suicidal tendencies. They play rugby league and drink Rheineck
(beer coloured piss-water). They are singularly stupid, but are common all
over New Zealand, especially in the small towns. The original Westies are
from, as far as we can work out, West Auckland - Henderson, Te Atatu, etc.
The American equivalent would be Bruce Springsteen the Panelbeater.
Sticky Filth: A band from New Plymouth. On the surface they appear to be
three Westies who make a nasty noise. This is a fair statement,
except that
the singer/bassist has no hair, and they wear Doc Martens instead of
basketball boots. They play a kind of fast, speed metal noise - a kind of
cross between Dinosaur Jr, Napalm Death and a revving chainsaw.
His Majesty's Carpark, Auckland: Used to be His Majesty's Theatre, now a
carpark. Used to be a cultural icon, now a carpark. Cars park there. Not
bicycles, or theatregoers (obviously). Some Holdens may be found there.
The North Western Motorway: A fun thing to run across while on acid.
The Burning Giraffe: The name of our flat. Home of all that is good and
righteous in the world, and venue for some pretty Goddamn demon parties,
like last night, for example - a few more holes in the walls, some of the
fence got burnt (it swore at Mollusc, apparently, so it had to die),
furniture and barbequeue got burnt too. C'est la mort. It was the final
break-up party - we seven (plus assorted girlfriends, cat, dog etc) are
going our more-or-less seperate ways after 15 odd months of sex, squalour,
starvation and psychoactive substances. We'll be sorry to see the
place go,
but perhaps it was time - the back yard is full of beer bottles
and charred
aerosol cans, the front door won't close and the toilet has developed an
alarming list to starboard (we're not kidding - eventually it's going to
fall through the floor).
Finally, a joke:
Why did the chicken recieve the Victoria Cross?
For valour.
Yours at 4am;
Rabbi and Mollusc, fuckabouts at large.
P.S. Careful readers will note there are no questions in this FAQ file.
Bugger.